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| 12:06pm 16/01/2006 |
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mood:  thirsty
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New journal.
If you'd like the address, just ask me. |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| "I'm gonna make it work" |
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| 12:56pm 15/01/2006 |
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mood:  lighter
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Last night wasn't so good.
And I kinda got short with Joe this morning.
I got some time to sort out my head (and my priorities).
I love that man. I'm gonna make it work.
Room's still not finished and I still have to dye my hair before my interview Tuesday, but.. it's all gonna be worth it next weekend when my room's all painted and pretty and I have a great-paying job *fingers crossed*
I really should be cleaning right now, but maybe I'll just write something. I'm feeling kind of inspired, as strange as the timing is.
Kitty's missing again. :(. I wonder if he has a secret life... lol. |
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| Stolen format, but it works. |
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| 07:00pm 14/01/2006 |
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mood:  blah music: watching Stigmata
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+Waking up at nine-something on a Saturday morning.
-Spending all morning cleaning by myself
-Moving a big iron bed across the room (again, by myself)
+Snuggling with my boy, napping, etc.
-Getting stood up for a date with Laura that I'd somehow managed to forget about.
-Getting roped into babysitting so my mother can go see that Ringer movie.
+ Underworld's coming on next, but man, that just seems like a lame thing to be happy about.
If I was actually talking to anyone right now online and I was using the asterisks I would *sigh*. |
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| Friday the Thirteenth...pshhh. |
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| 09:20am 14/01/2006 |
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mood:  I'm a little down.
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Mine was okay. Didn't feel extremely unlucky.. or exciting for that matter. I just went to school and did normal things. Very blah.
I HAVE TO finish my room before Monday so we can paint it and I HAVE TO dye my hair before my interview Tuesday and.. errrrgh. It's a lot.
I think I'm depressed. My eating habits are really weird. So are my sleeping habits. I'm so tired all the time.. I feel like all I do anymore is sleep. Nothing excites me or entertains me anymore. I'm just wandering around, lost, looking for something that's missing. The missing puzzle piece, if you will. There's this big hole that nothing seems to fill anymore. And I thought I'd come so far... |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. |
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| 09:12am 09/01/2006 |
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mood:  nauseated
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I'm sick. LIKE-A-DOG-sick.
Joe's been awesome. He's sick too now.
The most fun I've had all weekend was watching old Bond movies (we're talking young, sexy Sean Connory-Bond) with my baby while blowin' my nose and drinking a choco-milkshake. |
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| Moby Dick in a monocle? That's just ridiculous. |
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| 09:31pm 02/01/2006 |
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mood: happy music: Joe's playing bass some more. He never stops.
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Today I was very bad and slept in scandalously late into the afternoon, but I still managed to rush a shower in before Laura showed up. She, Joe, and I went to Starbucks.. while Joe was with his friends we walked around and went to the bookstore. It was a much more positive experience than last time (I'm referring to the Carly BALLS incident two weeks ago). At least we didn't get kicked out this time.
Lot of Myspacing today, followed by a trip to Berzerkley with Ian and Laura. Blondie's Pizza, five dollar glass zero gauges, free pile of sparkly necklaces found on the ground, and being taunted by the homeless... Fun stuff. I found this beautiful (thirty-dollar) book of street art that I want. And this other art book called Pictures of Women. I'm definitely going to have to make a mission to go back there when I get some cash-monies.
Very amused on the drive home talking to Ian. I never really got to know him very well, and it makes me feel rather cheated. He's my new favorite gay man in the world, and believe you me
I LOVE GAY GUYS.
I think that's pretty much the end of this entry. :)
-C-
One year ago today, I wrote this in my LJ :
The Devil in my ear
taunts me, "Closer,Closer"
A beauty in your voice
Chills me each time
As if it's the first
I should fight this
Watch myself in stunning horror
As I rise and come to you
Closer, Closer
I no longer recognize this face
And I do not like what I see
I look closer, closer
You are a mocking affliction
I will fight this
I will fight you... |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 01:02am 02/01/2006 |
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mood:  weird
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A lot of people have been commenting on my "strange behavior" as of late.
If I understood it myself, I would not hesitate in enlightening you.
I'm trying to get my shit together. I once had this dream about a man who went insane and wanted to be a bird so he promised God he would cut off his legs if God would only give him wings. I want to change into something so different from myself that spectators would call it borderline extraordinary.
I don't know anymore who's trustworthy. Who really cares.
There's no way to determine the matter inside someone's heart. Or their motives.
So fuck everyone. I'm cutting so many free, lightening myself...
in hopes that maybe someday I can fly too. |
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| It was either that or "Master My Joystick" |
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| 09:00pm 01/01/2006 |
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mood: hung over music: Fog of War's practicing in the next room.
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Did you have a good one?
Mine was.. drunken. I kinda wanted to go to the Ramen show.
But I ended up having a decent time. |
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| It's been a hell of a year. |
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| 01:20pm 31/12/2005 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Joe's bass-playing.
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My room flooded last night. Not an inch like usual. More like a foot.
Nah, maybe more.. the water was up past my knees.
A PG&E cable post snapped in half right outside our house and was dangling awkwardly over our roof. We were woken up by the fire department at four thiry a.m. and informed we had ten minutes to grab things and leave. It's a weird feeling.. having so little time to decide what's most important to you.
I managed to nab the cat (he was pretty much trapped on my bed because of the water), my Ipod, my guitar, and Joe's bass.. plus random handfuls of clothes that in hindsight don't really match each other at all. My mom grabbed our birth certificates, Social Security cards, and her new three hundred dollar cowgirl boots. My sisters grabbed Barbies. All of us went to Carlos's house and recovered there. I got to take a long hot bath in his huge Jacuzzi tub. Oh, rich people.
Finally after hours of waiting they let us come home... My room's still underwater. Waist depth. Joe got home early and basically rescued me. I'm at his house. I'll probably be staying here a few days.
What a crazy day to finish the year.
The irony that I spent four hours cleaning out the basement yesterday and now there's trash, clothes, furniture, etc. floating around lazily like river debris.. It hasn't escaped me.
Still going to Joe's party tonight. I've only gotten three or four hours of sleep so I should probably nap.
Happy New Years, everybody. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Almost New Years. |
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| 03:25pm 29/12/2005 |
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mood: cheerful music: HorrorPops- Girl In A Cage
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I can't keep up. Too much I still have to do.
My room's clean. Well, bearable.
Cleaning out the basement's going to be the death of me, I'm positive. Erg.
Tuesday night Joe and I finally made it to Memoirs. It was visually stunning.. they cut a lot of stuff out, but I still liked it. I have a suspicion Joe was bored, but he'll never admit he didn't like it.
Wednesday Sarah and Mikol came over, which resulted in a pile of pink hair sitting on the floor of my kitchen.. Yep. We got Chinese, two-for-one cigarettes, Nations grilled cheese, and watched Boondock Saints. Sarah left when my mom started getting really angry (which means really loud). Mikol and I escaped and did the Marina walk, and old custom I've missed doing. THEN we had to trek all the way up to Nations to use the restroom (for fearing of waking the Momster up). After that.. free sandwiches at 7-11, weird hypothetical conversations, and a big burly man trying to casually lure us back to his apartment. No, thanks.
Snuck up to Cleo's window and tried to see if she was home.. no luck. We did manage, however, to stumble onto a very drunk Chade. We played on the swings by Liberty (old Mills) for a little bit, then went home and crashed on my bed with Kitty, watching SNL..
I think it's going to rain. I miss my Joe.. and my hair..
Lol, it happens. |
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| My throat hurts. I'm groggy. And I like to complain. Oh! And ramble! |
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| 01:07pm 27/12/2005 |
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mood:  lazy music: HorrorPops- Freaks N Uniforms
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I already wrote this, but it was a mile long. I'm going to be courteous.
Christmas Eve: Dinner with Joe's parents and brothers. Good food. Snuck a smoke break. A Christmas Story was on t.v. Opened presents. Joe gave me pretty lotions and sprays. He and his mom bought me A YEAR OF SUICIDE GIRLS. They're the greatest. Boys played hackey sack. I got hit.
Christmas Day: Sisters woke me up VERY EARLY so they could open their presents. They liked the playset from me. Mom liked the ornaments. Probably faking. Even I think ornaments for Christmas = lame. "Santa" brought me an acoustic (trading it for a new bass), the new Harry Potter, and $100 Old Navy bucks.
Joe came with us to my G-ma and Papa's. Opened more presents. Silver id bracelet and $50. Very nice. LOTS of good food. Snuck a smoke break. heh.
Went to Joe's, very long nap (full from feast). Then Tonia's. She wasn't home. Left her gift on the porch. Went to Jason and Steve's. Everyone was drinking. I didn't (much). They got me an Exploited patch (Joe got LOC) and Misfits poster (Joe got Black Sabbath). REALLY nice of them. Joe's friends are great.
Yesterday: Got woken up early. Mom wanted a "family shopping day". Dreadful day. Lots of fighting. Crappy chinese food. I cried.. kind of a lot. Spent my Old Navy gift card on clothes I'll probably never wear. Joe rescued me. Rasputin's with Josh and Sam too. Spent SIXTY BUCKS.
(Group Sex: my fave Circle Jerks, the new BloodLined Calligraphy, the new Black Dahlia Murder, F Minus, annnd OF COURSE.. the new HorrorPops).
Only listened to half of Bring It On! but I really like it so far.
Today's boring. I cleaned the shit out of my room. Have to toss huge mountain of trash bags. Finishing Sarah and Laura's gifts (late, I know) and then.. Dunno. Nap?
Sarah's coming by later. *happy*
Hope your holidays were good. Tell you the truth, I'm relieved it's over. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 03:46pm 24/12/2005 |
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mood:  relaxed music: watching Look Who's Talking.. blech.
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I took the longest, hottest bath of my life.
I feel so good.. painting my toes for some reason..
I just sat down and started doing it.. Feminine reflex I suppose.
My hair's full of dye (gift from Laura) and it's sticking straight up..
sort of troll-like. I know I'm not the only one who played with trolls.. *mortal shame*
Things are a lot better. I'm sorting out my confusion with.. what happened. I know what the right thing to do is. Laura came over. I was asleep, kinda sick, and disoriented.. but.. it was nice to see her nonetheless. I need to finish her and Sarah's Christmas presents.. plus I haven't gotten Joe anything. I feel so bad.
Nervous about hanging out with Joe's family. I don't know why, but the thought of spending a night with them makes my palms clammy and my stomach knot with dread. Ugh.
Joe let me open my present early.. He got me this big basket full of lotions and bubblebath and spray, which kind of explains the fufu fun.
Thank God the stressful stuff's almost over.
This movie on t.v. sucks. I'm in a psychobilly mood. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| This really amused me. |
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| 11:48pm 23/12/2005 |
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mood:  amused music: STILL watching Forrest Gump (long movie)
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Someone else I know went back in their LiveJournal to exactly a year ago to the day and was laughing about how different things were.
I did so, thinking it would be something huge and drastic.
LOL. Boy, was I wrong.
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Yesterday was good. Today was good. Two in a row.. I'm scared, haha.
Yesterday I took the bus to Vallejo (haven't done that in FOREVER) and hung out with Sid and met a bunch of his friends. I didn't think I would, since I hate meeting a ton of new people at once, but I had a genuinely good time.
Just got back from hanging out with Jon-Jon.. I have a knack for calling people things that they hate, just realizing this. We hung out and jammed for a little while, something else I havent done in forever, but it felt pretty good. Wrist hurts now, but it's worth it. I went over my allowed playing time so I really have to take it easy for the rest of the week.. You know how strenuous opening gifts can be.. :D
Was really cool to see a friend that I haven't seen in a long time though. I'm confused about a lot of stuff, but he really gave me some good advice.. I don't know why we lost touch for so long, it just happens I guess. So we played here and then we walked down to McD's and got some lunch.. I can't even heard the word McChicken anymore without laughing, it's hilarious.
But the other really good thing that's happened is my mom found a couple houses in Benicia, all in our price range.. you have no idea what a blind miracle that is, since until a week ago she was determined to move us to NAPA.. ick. So that's a really great thing, and it makes me have some faith in something, which I haven't felt in a while. I don't have to leave my family and friends, and a lot of things are different now. It's like there's a tension release, and I just feel really good. Dancing around my room, packing, cleaning.. It's all good. ---C
----
Interesting. And, yes, very dull. |
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| Life is like a box of.. fuck it! You know how it goes. |
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| 09:04pm 23/12/2005 |
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mood: annoyed music: Forrest Gump.. wooooo.
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AAAAAAggggghhhhhh.
Christmas needs to get here and be over already.
I've spent all day in my pajamas.. stuck in the house babysitting my sisters. Going on twelve hours. Cleaning up mess after mess. Slipping in peanut butter someone smeared on the floor and falling. HARD.
I'm goin' crazy.. They won't go to sleep. Even threats of calling Santa and cancelling Christmas aren't cutting it. What is this world coming to?
I have to go clean my room and finish the two presents I'm making, cause I'm creative. (aka ranouttamoney)
At least Forrest Gump's on t.v.
I love this movie. |
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| Falalalalalalalala |
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| 03:06pm 22/12/2005 |
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mood:  busy
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I got to see Antonia yesterday. It made me feel sooooo good. She gave me my Christmas present early and we drove with her mum to Sonoma. We wandered around, looked at all kinds of stores.. mostly yuppie stuff. There was this huge store full of cheese.. We bought this giant loaf of sourdough and a big block of cheese and had a "picnic" on the outdoor patio.. with the rain pounding down all around us. It was really calming. Just what I needed.
We were gonna go with Joe to see Memoirs in Concord later last night, but.. we got up there and it wasn't playing. SECOND TIME THAT'S HAPPENED!! It sucked for a minute, but we ended up getting burgers and fries and heading home. Could've been worse..
I slept really badly last night...
I'll be able to relax once Christmas is over. I have a million presents to wrap.. not to mention the few I haven't bought yet. I've GOT TO BE the worst procrastinator in the world. It's gonna be a stay-up-late, drink-eight-Rockstars kind of night, I suspect. |
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| My entries are FAR too long. |
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| 01:15pm 21/12/2005 |
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mood:  rushed
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I knew I didn't love her anymore.
But I didn't know I hated her.
This is surprising.. and a little frightening.
I need more time to sort this out,
time I don't have right now.
The last few days have gone by FAST. Christmas is sneaking up on me like a silent bill collector.. who I don't have the payment for. Actually, Joe's helped me out a lot. He never falters to give me all he has.. I only hope I can repay him someday. Sisters.. check. Antonia.. check.
Joe.. is the hardest person EVER to shop for. Ugh.
Monday Sidney came over. We wrote a song.. it wasn't bad. I really liked that Joe put so much input into it.. It made it much better. We went out to dinner to the Elephant Bar (I'd never been) were we pigged out on huge burgers (I barely got through half) and I loved these BIG strawberry banana drinks in long tall glasses.. It really was the nicest place I've been in a long time.
Memoirs wasn't playing at the Fairfield theater, and I flat out refused (five year old hissyfit style) to go to Orinda.. So we watched Kong. It WOULD'VE been good.. if it hadn't been over three hours.. and featured an unnecessary half-hour of everyone running from (actually UNDER) dinosaurs.. Come on people! Even I could do better than that.
After shopping, a bunch of my good friends came over.. We played this really funny came.. everyone was hysterical. We all slept in late today, woke up content. Smoked my last cigarette.. I wish I could quit.
Oh, shit. I've been rambling for so long I haven't jumped in the shower yet and Tonia's expected any minute. Good job, Catey.
Hopefully today will be another good day.
I miss Antonia so much.. I've been looking forward to this all week.
As for Miss Photographs.. I need to delete her. I'll be having a perfectly calm relaxed moment then.. there she is. In my face. Making me feel about her like I never ever imagined I would. It's nauseating. |
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| 01:12am 19/12/2005 |
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mood:  high
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My sisters loved Santa.
And I got to kiss him!! Yeessss.
I got a cute picture of us but I was unaware so they captured this horrible goofy look on my face. Blergh.
I had pizza, and saw Tonia!! That made my whole day. All the tension was instantly gone and I was squeezing her to me, tight. It was amazing I let go.
I'd say the christmas party was a success.
Fog of War did a great job.
Afterwards hung out with Cleo-loves, Kelsey, and Reina.. we drove around, got real silly.. listened to Coldplay. There was this really odd song that I like. Surprising.
Now I'm at Beldin's .. trippin around. Joe's playing bass.. What else is new? lol.
Looking forward to: jamming with Sid tomorrow.. orrr technically today since its past midnight.
Christmas shopping with my baby Tuesday (plus our eight weeks!) We might see Memoirs.
Life ees goowd. |
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| Here we are, another ridiculously long entry, full of nothing. |
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| 04:25pm 18/12/2005 |
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mood:  calm
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I really don't use my LJ so much anymore.
I just never feel like I have any interesting activities to report..
And has for "how I'm feeling".. that's usually reserved for my uber-secluded DeadJournal.
Not really writing in that much right now..
It just feels odd, seeing as the only two people I feel comfortable sharing that stuff with.. well, hate me.
She said some really hurtful things.. I'll be smiling and happy and then there they are, her words echoing in my head. I love Tonia so much.. I don't want to believe that she really thinks those things of me. But she does. Wow. Something like painful stabs in my stomach. Gotta think about other things now.
The Strung Up show wasn't so good. Gnar did a good job, all that. My stomach was upset.. Beer and very little food and running around doesn't mix. Joe and Jason were really cool about it. We left early.
Fog of War played last night. I love watching him when he's playing.. it's .. an indescribable kind of happiness. The more time goes on, the less I can imagine being with anyone else. Never thought I'd be so lucky. Have to take my sisters to see "Santa" --Joe-- in about an hour.
Children are so beautiful sometimes. Their imaginations and emotions are just so real. It's hard not to catch some of their Christmas excitement. Even though everything's so festive, it's impossible not to be a little sad about doors closing. I shouldn't focus on that. There are so many more opening right now..
I shouldn't spend so much of my life looking back over my shoulder, of what things WERE. That's over. Nothing I can do about it now.
The cigarette's been burning on a candle while I've been off in my own world writing this.. the whole house smells like pine trees and cinnamon now. I need to go shower and.. brighten up a bit.
'Tis the season, all that mess. |
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| 03:17pm 15/12/2005 |
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mood: weird music: LOC- Life Is Pain
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I feel heavy today.
Pockets-full-of-stones heavy.
Everything's on my shoulders right now I guess.. worrying about whether I can get back into school and Laura seem to be at the top of the list.
I finished Memoirs today. It was so beautiful and moving. I always get a little sad when I spend so much time reading a very long book, and then suddenly, it's finished. Like there should have been more.. I'm not ready for it to be over yet. I don't know if that makes any sense.
We're going to a really great show tonight and I was really excited to go. Well, I still am.. I kinda just want to curl up on the couch in fetal position in my pajamas all day and night.
I have like five minutes til I absolutely HAVE TO get in the shower and start getting ready. I should've done it earlier, but it's okay I guess, I like the rush.. Keeping busy makes things better.
Maybe when my hair's done and my makeup's right I'll be more enthusiastic. |
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